Review: Different, Not Less: A Neurodivergent's Guide To Embracing Your True Self and Finding Your Happily Ever After by Chloè Hayden*

 *I received a copy of this book in eBook format via NetGalley in return for this review. All reviews published on Yours, Chloe are completely honest and my own, and are in now way influenced by the gifting opportunity..

 Caution - This review does contain spoilers.

Title: Different, Not Less: A Neurodivergent's Guide To Embracing Your True Self and Finding Your Happily Ever After
Author: Chloè Hayden
Genre: Non Fiction
Trigger warnings: sexual abuse, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, mental, health, and suicide (but clear trigger warnings are given throughout the book prior to sections which may be triggering)

Rating: ★★★★★

I want to preface this review by explaining my starting point when reading this book. I am a qualified teacher who has spent most of her teaching career teaching children who are neurodivergent, including in specialist provisions so I have a good professional working knowledge of autism. But I am also self-diagnosed as autistic and I’m currently on the waiting list for a formal assessment under the NHS. So whilst I also had a professional interest in the content of Different, Not Less, I was approaching it more from a personal perspective in my forever ongoing quest to try and understand my brain a little better.

With so much of the literature on neurodiversity out there being written by neurotypical people, it was a breath of fresh air to read such a powerful book written by an author who is neurodivergent themselves. I had been eagerly awaiting the UK release of Different, Not Less and it definitely did not disappoint. It is not only full of Chloé sharing her lived experiences but also some really useful advice and tips for neurodivergent people and also people supporting neurodivergent people.

In Different, Not Less, Chloé shares her moving story of her early life prior to being diagnosed with autism and ADHD, what the diagnosis process was like and how she navigates the highs and lows of life as a neurodivergent person. Her section about how difficult she found education made me really emotional and as a teacher it broke my heart to read how the ableist school system truly failed Chloé, as it sadly does for a lot of neurodivergent people.

Although Chloé understandably covers some serious and sensitive topics, she has such a way with words and manages to embed elements of comedy throughout the book. She uses Disney analogies throughout and they do a fantastic job of illustrating her points, although I could understand how they could be a bit much and repetitive if you’ve not a big Disney fan.

The book shares diagnostic criteria for autism and for ADHD, differentiating how each is “expected to present” (aka how it often presents in males – which is what the current diagnostic criteria is largely based on) and how it may present in women. Chloé defines meltdowns, shutdowns and burnout in such an eloquent way and her descriptions of what it’s like to experience these things perfectly encapsulated what I’ve been trying to verbalise to my loved ones for years but could never find the words. She speaks fantastically about stimming and really advocates for neurodivergent people to feel like they can stim openly. One of the closing chapters of Different, Not Less is entitled eye sparkles. Eye sparkles is the amazing phrase Chloé uses to describe special interests (or hyper – fixations, to use ADHD terminology) and it’s a beautifully worded exploration of Chloé’s special interests and how special interests should be celebrated and encouraged. 

Different, Not Less covers such a broad range of topics and I particularly valued the inclusion of largely unspoken about topics relevant to neurodivergent women, such as periods and navigating romantic relationships. The feature of these in the book will make it a really valuable read for autistic teenagers.

Clear trigger warnings are given throughout the book where appropriate (which for reference are: sexual abuse, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, mental, health, and suicide).

One section I found particularly powerful was when Chloé talked about how society needs to change the language choices it makes as you hear disability-deficit language (such as psychotic and spaz; solely used here to illustrate my point) all too often and these choices are both ableist and derogatory. Chloé explains that terms such as these “were once used medically to categorise disabled and mentally ill people, marking them as less human” and she eloquently explains why the casual use of these terms should be stopped. She also discusses how the use of disability and mental health terms as adjectives should be stopped and I really appreciated that this was included in the book as it’s something I’m particularly passionate about. All too often we hear people use phrases such as “bipolar”, “depressed” and “triggered” as if they’re interchangeable with the actual adjectives of moody, sad and upset/offended and Chloe did a fantastic job of explaining why that is not ok.

I would love to have seen the section entitled ‘When your child is having a meltdown’ rephrased as ‘when your loved one is having a meltdown’ as it’s more in keeping with the earlier points in the chapter that meltdowns are part of life for autistic adults, not just autistic children. On a similar note, despite discussing how little neurodivergent women are represented in society’s general understanding of neurodivergence, the list the book shares of autistic famous people was predominately full of men. Whilst I recognise that due to girls largely being under-diagnosed there will be less famous women diagnosed as autistic, it would have been nice for the list to have had more of an equal gender split. 

Although Chloé is Australian and there are understandably many references to things which are specifically Australian, such as the education system, the book will ultimately have countless takeaways for neurodivergent people living in any part of the world. The final pages of the book signpost resources for neurodivergent people in not only Australia but also the UK, Ireland, the USA and Canada. 

Overall, Different, Not Less is a must read for all neurodivergent adults, whether formally diagnosed or exploring the possibility that they may be neurodivergent, and also for loved ones of neurodivergent people. I also think professionals, particularly within the education sector, could take a lot from reading about Chloé’s experiences of education.

I want to end my review with a particularly powerful quote from the book: “We need to create a more understanding world… A world where neurodivergent people openly allowed to be neurodivergent”.

Have you read Different, Not Less? What did you think? Or can you recommend another book on neurodivergence you think everyone should read?